


Imp With the Most

by Alastors_Radio



Series: Hazbin Movie Parodies [2]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), Helluva Boss (Web Series)
Genre: Beetlejuice Cartoon/Musical Crossover, Fun, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, No Smut, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27216226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alastors_Radio/pseuds/Alastors_Radio
Summary: Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel meets BEETLEJUICE
Series: Hazbin Movie Parodies [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982405
Comments: 7
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This based after BeetleJuice the Musical..

"In times like these, we have no words," the priest began. "We have only each other. Today we come together to mourn the passing of Lilith Mange, devoted wife of Lucifer and beloved mother to Charlie.  
Scripture tells us, 'Sorrow not, for we do not walk alone.'" the priest finished his speech. Everyone at the funeral began to talk and give condolences to Lucifer.

"You’re invisible when you're sad, clocks tick and phones still ring, but the world carries on like mad." Charlie said to herself, looking at the casket that held her deceased mother. "But nobody sees a thing. Whispering behind their hands, lost for kind words to say. Nobody understands  
And everyone goes away." Charlie started to back away from the casket and towards a willow tree, slumping against it when she reached it. "Grownups wanna fix things and when they can't it only fills them with shame. So they just look away.  
Is it being greedy to need somebody to see me? To say my name? Seems when you lose your mom, no one turns off the sun. Folks carry on, I guess you're just invisible when you're sad." Charlie looked towards the setting sun, wishing her mother was here with her. 

Holy crap, a funeral already?! Damn that was quick! The story just started! Hey, reader! Welcome to the story we star in!  
Now let's skip the tears and bullshit and start on the whole, you know… Being dead thing. You're doomed, so enjoy the story!  
And if I see that you're starting to click away to read another story, I'll kill you myself! But, back on track with the whole being dead thing. Death can stress a person. Now we're never gonna see 'em, but I can show you what comes next! So don’t be scared, trust me. Sit down, charge your phone or computer. I do this shit like… well I don't keep track, that's what my darling daughter, Loona is here for!  
So just relax and drink your cheap ass booze. Welcome to the story about death!

You’re, you’re gonna be fine on the other side. I mean, you’re all gonna die. But I’ll be your guide to the other side! Everybody gets on fine here, like Stolas, Mimzy and Rosie over there. The women’s bathroom has no line here either! You can literally just pee wherever the hell you want! You’re just gonna love the folks here.  
Yeah, I know you’re woke, that's what the kids say these days, right? But you can take a joke here! And every time I tell this story, I do like... a ton of coke! Nobody is bulletproof though. “I work out,” “I eat clean,” Jesus pass the damn wine and bread. Time to face the brutal truth here, seriously. We’re all on a hit list. Might not live till Christmas or Choke to death on triscuits.. Hey, that’s just the fucking statistics! So take a little break here, kind of like a wake. The scenery is fake and there’s also like, this giant snake here.

"Help! You guys? Hey guys!" I turned to see the recently deceased, Lilith, standing behind me. 

"Oh, see you later lady! Have fun!" Now that that's taken care of, where were we? Oh yeah! The story about death!  
You’re gonna be fine on the other side!  
How’re you doing? Not good? I'm sorry, but I’ll be your guide to the other side!  
Seriously though, this is a story about death. Death is a bit taboo but it’s not really a new thing to hear about. Plus, there’s nothing medical professionals can do except maybe just bill you.

If you die while reading this story, I'm sorry, but I'm still gonan tell it! There’s no destiny or fate, just a terrifying wait! And its filled with people that you hate and on a certain date, the universe kills you.

That’s the thing with life no one makes it out alive. They toss your body into a pit and say "Rest in Peace", “Gosh it’s awful, ain’t it tragic” Blah blah blah bible Jesus magic voodoo shit. When you’re dead who gives a flying fuck? No pilates, no more yoga. Namaste you frickin posers! From the cradle, to cremation death, all it needs is just a little conversation. I have mastered the art of tearing convention apartl, in case you didnt know. Just a fun fact about me! So how about we all make a start on the whole being dead thing, yeah? God, I hope you’re ready for a story about death.

  
Thank you! Thank you! That’s an old folk song from somewhere I don't know. I like to think I put my own twist on it but I mean what’s the point? I mean, you read about these humans up here. They looked right through me! I’m invisible, powerless, like a Maui from Moana when he doesn't have his hook! Yeah, that's right… I saw Moana!  
It’s not fair you know, I’m a dead guy stuck in the world of the living with nothing.No one to share it with. Not that I was alive to begin with.

Still, all I want is for someone, anyone to look my way and say, “Hey, I see you, I accept you and I also fear for my safety while imround you.” Cause dead or alive,  
You don’t really fot somebody who REALLY gets you then you’re gonna feel lonely and worthless. Think about it! You’ll never reach your goal weight because you eat when you’re fucking sad. That guy knows what I’m talking about! 

But here’s the good news! I found a way to make everyone see me! All I gotta do is get a living person to say my name three times! It's that easy! I know, I didn't believe it either at first. And I’ve got a plan!  
See that tiny little house up there? Well, maybe not since this is a story and you can really see, stories.. but just imagine you see it, okay? Well it’s a lot bigger on the inside!

The people who live there, I’ve been watching them for awhile, yes i know it's very creepy, but I'm not alive, so it equals out. Anyway, they’re about to die and they’re gonna be my new best friends! Ik so excited!

"Millie, I’m home!" Moxxie Horvitz said called out to his wife, Millie.

"Was there traffic on the bridge?" Millie asked.

"Just Pentious on his tractor. I was like, pick a lane Pen!"

"Isn’t this amazing?! It’s the last day of their fucking lives and what do they talk about? Some fuck named Pentious, who the fuck names there kid Pentious? And his fucking tractor!

"So crazy story, I get all the way to Franklin's store and she tells me that they’re out of stock!" Moxxie states while he puts his coat on the chair.

"Oh no!" Millie exclaims.

"So I asked Franklin to check in the back for me."

"Smart!"

"So she send this errand boy and long story short, I got the last bottle of Scandinavian Liver Oil!" Moxxie's face lit up like a kid at Christmas time.

See? this is what life is. It’s just a bunch of boring shit and then you die. Oop! The phone is ringing!

"Oh! I got it!" Millie made her way towards the phone.

Oh! They’re both gonna get it. It’s gonna be so good! For all of us.

Moxxie uncovers a crib, "Hey old girl. Let’s get you finished, yeah?"

Finished? Oh Moxxie, Moxxie, Moxxie, we’re just getting started, baby!

"Look at this crib in all of it’s glorious beauty. Every curve and surface speaks to me, saying 'pamper and spoil me, sand me and oil me' I know to untrained eye it’s boring, a waste of time, but nothing’s a chore when it's something you love to do.  
Apart from frustration, pain and financial drain...It’s fun. People say 'Moxxie, Why do you polish a crib when you don’t have a kid? And even if you did have a kid, this crib is too fragile and beautiful for placing a baby inside it! So it must onlyexist to remind you of your sense of perfection. Its just a reflection, that you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid Moxxie!' or even 'Why don’t you live Adam? Just make a start in your life.' Am I willing to take that next step?"

Big news comming up guys!

"That was the Baxters calling." Millie said walking over her husband. 

"Oh don’t worry! The crib will definately be finsihed by the time the baby arrives!" Moxxie assured her.

"She had it yesterday, dear." 

"Oh fuck!, I mean, that’s great! I guess there’s no rush now. Want grab some lunch?"

"Make me some tuna salad please?" Millie asked while batting her eyelashes.

"One salad, coming right up!"

Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! She’s doesn't get to eat that salad.

"Look at these jugs! Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery like! Oh boy! I took some clay and made you into something pretty!  
The world will never wreck you, I'll protect you like a mother with her child. Some people say, 'Millie, why can't you see that ceramics is simply a manifestation of motherly panic, by making a baby that's breakable? Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror of making any mother mistake into your work? Hiding away so you don't have to face the possibility of being a bad mother?' That's what you've done, Millie. Are you willing to take the next step?"

Here they stand at the end of a 10-year plan. A house, a yard, a minivan.. a baby should be next.. like literally the next step. But they are scared to take that jump. To fall into depths if an endless hole of shitty diapers and retreat. But let's be honest readers, are they willing to take that step?  
NOPE!!

'Not yet' Millie thinks.

'Why rush?' Moxxie asks himself.

Soon enough, their hopes and dreams will be crushed, just wait.

Moxxie took a step towards the kitchen "Ooohh? No! See? We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards! It just won't do!"

"You are so right! Let's add it to the list along with the cracks in the plaster!"

"We should also get faster wifi!"

"And this couch will simply not do with the interior design of the house!"

"The bathroom's plumbing is so out of date."

"Then there's the whole fucking economy! It's just awful!"

"Yeah! Or learn spanish!" 

Really Moxxie? Spanish?

"No habla español. Dos cervezas, por favor!"

But… that's spanish Millie. Do you really need to learn it?

"Besides, what's the point of having children if we're drowning in debt?" 

Very good point Moxxie!

Well shit…. They died. See I wasn't kidding it's a story about death! Wow! Those people just died and you guys are story reading this? I love it! You’re getting real chill with this whole being dead thing.  
So, here’s my plan. I can’t make the living say my name… But with a little help from me those newlydeads? I could totally get a human to say my name! Then BJ is free and the cheap booze is on me! But first, I gotta make sure they get the rule book! And speaking of, here it is! The rule book. I present the handbook for the Recently Fucking Dead. Chapter 1: Purgetory. All dead should proceed directly to Purgetory.  
Nope... Not gonna do that. I gotta keep these damned souls here with me so they can haunt their house! 

"Millie? Millie, dear, are you alright?" Moxxie asks.

Oh shit….

"Holy smokes! That was quite a damn fall!"

"I think the fucking floor caved in." Millie said, rubbing her head.

"I didn’t think it was that weak. Are you positive you're alright, babe?"

"I think so, I hope so."

"Oh my god!" He said while holding Millie's hand.

"You're like ice! What the fuck!" Millie said.

"You’re freezing!" He rubbed his hand over hers to try and warm her up. I gotta say Mills, we’re lucky. A fall from that height could’ve been disaterous."

"That’s so strange. It’s not hot. I don't rememebr starting a fire.."

"My whole life started flashing before my eyes! I started asking myself the big questions like 'Why are our bodies still in the basement?'"

"What did you just say?" They both started screaming.

"What the fuck happened to us?!"

"Moxxie, I don’t think we survived the fall."

"What? You mean? Oh god. Fuck!"

'I know! There’s still so much I wanted to do. Shit fucking ass cock!"

"Fuck me too! But hey, let's look on the bright side, we are still in our house! Sure we're dead, and that fucking gross, but maybe things don't have to change!"

"Hello! Do not be afraid! You are dead I am also dead! Even thought I never alive to begin with...Maybe, we can help each other out! Hey guys I--" I started to say but then they screamed…. Then I screamed. It was one big ass scream fest. Okay....Plan B. I’m gonna need some help for this.

"Ready? Okay! Hi there! I’ll be your guide to the other side! Don’t go to Purgetory—"

"Purgetory!?" Moxxie shrilled.

"Did I say Purgethory? Oh, well... Never mind I’m the B to the I to the -E-J-F-U  
And fuck sakes, I can’t spell. Dammit. Anyway! Let's all get naked!"

"FUCK NO!" the Horvitz shouted.

I shrugged my shoulders, "Eh, it was worth a try. I’m the B-I-L-T-Z-O- to the J-U-I-C-E, But the 'O' is silent! Yeah!"

"What is happening?!" Moxxie asked, terrified.

"Look, I understand that it's a lot to process, but the good news is you and your wife died in your own house! That gives you clout! That means the two of you should stick around.. Lucky for you I dropped by. Yeah, you seem like nice people. A little bit on the Pottery Barn and dry red wine side, though. As for me? I’ve been scaring humans for millennias! I’m the Imp giving houses enemas, flush out all the breathers. You can breathe easier, just stick with me. I’m like an Imp Messiah!"

"Imp…. Messiah?" The Horvitz couple were confused.

"And I do it for the love of it! Money? Fuck that shit! I think we’re a perfect fit.  
So…. Wanna make out a bit?" I got no answer. "It’s the perfect day to die!  
‘Cause this guy happened to be passing through!" I pointed to myself. "To give you control of your soul through the whole 'being dead' thing. MILLS!" I then decided to give Millie a big ol kiss.

"Excuse me!" Moxxie shouted at me.

"Oh man, do you know how to pick them or what? Let me ask you a question… why did u pick her? I mean… you a babe and she's…"

"Who are you?!" Moxxie cut me off. That asshole.

"Moxxie! You don’t recognize me? I’m your father!" I smiled.

"Father?!"

"You are SO FUCKING ADORABLE!" i kissed Moxxie this time. "Sorry, I couldn’t help myself! I have been waiting for so long for you two to die, like I thought I came to life to just die for real! And I just think we’re gonna make such a great team, don’t you?"

"No offense mister but you give me the God damn fucking heebie jeebies!" Mille said as removed my arm from around her.

"Oh thank you so very much! You give me… a boner? No, that’s my femur… Now we don’t have a lot of time. You two need to hire me right now." I smiled at them.

"Hire you? For what?" Moxxie asked.

"To teach you how to be fucking terrifying!"

"Terifying? Do we have to scare someone?" Millie questioned.

"The people who bought your house!" I laughed.

"What!? But how? We just died for fuck sakes!" Millie seemed in shock. Understandable.

"Yeah, time moves differently when you’re dead but boy does it fucking move!"

"Hey! Stop that!" Millie shouted at some people who had entered their home.

"You tell them Moxxie baby!!"

"No!Put that down!" Millie shouted at someone else.

"Get on their backs! Give them both barrels! Ride them till they have an orgasm!"

"Hey! Stop! Stop stealing my things!" Millie sounded stressed.

"Hey! They can’t see us!" Moxxie tried waving his hand in someone's face.

"Good observation, Sherlock Holmes! You see, the living ignore the dead. We are invisible. And breathers worry so much about their stupid little, pathetic ass lives.  
Most of them never notice anything strange or unusual, unless you make them see.. and that my dear Horvitz, is why you need me."

"Will you help us?" Moxxie asked.

"I mean for a price. Like nothing big or anything. Quite small actually.. More of a favor really."

"Excuse me. This is all happening very very fast. I mean we just died and now you’re here and they’re here. And what the fuck is going on?" Millie sounded like defeat.

"Mills. Baby. Toots. I totally get it! But the two of you are special. You died together. That never happens! Unless of course, it’s a murder suicide which makes for a very awkward eternity. So just take a run, so to speak, and just remember."

"Ow! Fuck shit!" One of the men yelled.

"Whoops." Another sorta apologized.

"Oh who cares. It’s going to the dump anyway!" A third spoke.

"What! The dump?! Did they just say the dump?!" Moxxie was frantic yet again.

"They said the dump." I smirked. Oh such fun!

"They can’t take that to the dump!" Moxxie shouted.

"They’re taking it to the dump, sugar, and without me, they’re going to do that with every god damned thing in this house."

"Millie!" The two conversed for a moment.

Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes.

"You’re hired." Millie said to me, hope filled those dead eyes.

"Tell us what to do." 

"You said yes! Fuck yeah! Great choice! You won’t regret it, really! You want your house back?"

"More then anything!" Millie said.

"Then let's get it back! Victory’s within your reach! You’ve just been waiting for the perfect master. Being dead has its perks!  
Let’s get rid of these poorly packaged sacks of horseshit!"

"What the fuck?" Moxxie stated confused.

"Do some improv! Go feel what works for ya with the whole being dead thing.  
Now get in the attic."


	2. Chapter 2

"Hmm… Yes. Fucking yes! There’s very good energy in here. Very good fucking energy." Angel said as he wondered around the house.

"Glad you like it. I took a pretty big risk buying it, ya know. It’s like a sad nursing home for sick, dying pussy cats." Lucifer said to his husband.

"Don’t worry about it, Luci. If we make it look fabulous, then no one will ever know   
that it's actually an insecure, sad, pathetic excuse for a home and older that it says it is." Angel smiled at him.

"Good. We only have two days to transform this old house into the proper fucking home of my new gated community.  
Now we just need to convince Vox Telly. If I get Vox Telly in my corner, then the investments will pour in. He’s my go to man."

"Lucifer, you’re under too much stress. You must relax, sugar tits. Now, you remember what my guru, Husker, says. 'Every success begins with booze but ends with yes! Booze-Yes!" Angel said calmly.

"Oh god, Angel. No." Lucifer facepalmed.  
"No. We have to stop. What if Charlie walks in?"

"Luci, maybe we should just tell her about us." Angel ran his fingers up and down his chest.

"No.. Granted, Charlie doesn’t have my resilience. She needs someone to help her get past all of this. That’s why you’re here, remember? To be her…. what the fuck do you call yourself again?"

"A life coach! Damn, it's not that hard to remember."

"Right… and that means… what again?"

"Almost anything, sweet cheeks."

"Hey dad… does this couch make me look like I'm dead?" Charlie asked while laying down on the couch.

"Charlie, I’m not going to answer those kinds of questions."

"Charolette. We talked about this sad shit stuff and do you remember what I said, hmmmm?" Angel smiled at her.

"Yeah, you said 'stop acting so weird, I need this job.'" Charlie deadpanned.

"No!" Angel laughed, "No. No. I am positive I quoted my guru, Husker, who said 'Sadness is like a limo dick, no one likes it. Move along!'"

"Dad, how long do we have to stay here? I just want to go home."

"About that… I thought after everything we’ve been through...Well, I just thought we could use a fresh start. so I’m selling the house! We’re going to live here! Is that exciting?" Lucifer smiled.

"What?! Daddy no you can’t do that! Dead mom left our house!" Charlie was obviously not happy about the situation.

"Dead mom? Really, Charlie?"

"You never want to talk about her, dad."

"That’s because I’m trying to…" he pinched his nose in slight distraction. "Angel, do your job please! Coach her life!"

"Knock knock!" Angel paused for a second, waiting for someone to answer, when no one did, he continued. "Who’s there? Happiness!"

"No! Dad, please! Our whole life is in that house. Don’t you remember when we moved in? It was all run down and horrible and we didn’t know how we were gonna get through it. But mom said, “let’s clean up” and she made us sing that song she loved. 'Shake shake shake senora shake your body line.'" Charlie sang with a shaking voice.

"Charlie, you have sulked around for months dressed in black, obsessing about death!" Lucifer said.

"I’ve been mourning, it's what people do when the ones they love have DIED!"

"Yes. But we have to move forward! All of us!" He said. The movers were now about finished emptying the house and now bringing in the new funiture. "Ah yes, keep it coming gentlemen. Vox Telly will be here for dinner in two days! Two days to make this a model home with a model family living inside it.. Charlie, I know you won’t let me down."

"Yeah…. It’d be terrible if we all let each other down."

"Oh! This is exciting! We have dinner at ten. A house to redecorate then--" Angel started to say.

"Hey, Angel? Knock knock." Charlie smirked at her.

"Oh! Okay um who’s there?" Angel beamed at her.

"I don’t know… you’ll have to open the door to find out!"

"But that’s... not how... knock knock jokes… work."

"I guess you’ll never know then." Charlie shrugged.

"Oh. Uh alright uh. Creeee…." Angel pretends to open a door and when he dies, Charlie screams, which in return,makes Angel scream. "Charolette, you are such a bitch sometimes. But we are going to change that! Now, I’m gonna go find a room to bless and you--"

"Knock knock." Charlie says again.

"Nope! Not answering! I have a peep hole! I can see you! You scare me! Later, toots!" And angel left, leaving Charlie alone.

"I’m alone, i’m utterly alone. Except for you, dead mom. Hey mom? Dead mom, I need a little help here. I’m probably talking to myself here but, dead mom, I’ve gotta ask are you really in the ground? Because I feel you all around me! Are you here?" Charlie looks at some pictures from some of the moving boxes. "This house is actually pretty interesting. I’m sure dad will ruin it, though. I’m tired of trying to iron out my creases. I’m a bunch of broken pieces. It was you who made me whole every day better. Dad’s staring at me like all hurry up get happy move along, forget about you...  
Well daddy’s in denial and daddy doesn’t wanna feel anymore. He wants me to smile and clap like a performing seal..  
I ignored it for awhile, but daddy’s lost his mind for real. You won’t believe the mess that we’ve become. You’re my home, my destination. And I’m your clone, your strange creation. You held my hand and life came to me easy. Now jokes don’t land and no one sees me. Nothing seems to fit, mama is this it, are you receiving? I want something to believe in. Or I’m done! take me where my soul can run! Or I’ll be in my bedroom and wake me when I’m twenty-one. Daddy’s moving forward. Well, daddy didn’t lose a mom! Mama won’t you send a sign?! I’m running out of hope and time. A plague of mice, a lightning strike, or drop a nuclear fucking bomb! No more playing father's game. I’ll go insane if things don’t change. Whatever it takes to make him say your name, dead mom."

"So I was 'like let’s do this' and she was like 'I don’t have any baby oil.' And I was like 'Well I’ve got some guacamole.' And that is how I made nachos with Kathy Bates!" I loved reminiscing on that day.

"I’m sorry, but why are we in this dusty, old attic?" Millie asked 

"Oh yes right! I’m gonna teach you how to be fucking scary ass ghosts!"

"Oh Millie! It’s just like one of our classes!" Moxxie smiled.

"We take all these adult recreational classes. We did ballroom dancing and backyard composting-"

"We just did this amazing glass blowing class!"

"It was so hard! We mostly just watched and drank wine!" Millie giggled while remembering the fun times she had with her husband.

"And the teacher was wicked so kinda like this." Moxxie said, comparing their teacher to Blizto.

"I am not wicked and that is nothing like this! Don’t you wanna get these people out of your house?" What a bastard.. a cute bastard.

"Yes." Moxxie said.

"Okay, well then you have to learn how to scare them!"

"But can’t you just scare them for us?" Millie asked.

"Oh Mills, I would love that! Nothing would give me more pleasure than to kill these people downstairs, really." 

"No! Hold on, we do not want to kill them!" Moxxie shouted.

"It’s a figure of speech Moxxie, okay. Jesus Christ, why you gotta be so damn sexy? Here’s the problem. Okay, right now no matter what I do, I cannot affect the world of the living. But the two of you can. So, what do you say?" I smiled at them. They both took a moment and then nodded. "Yes! Okay, count of three and just yell out the scariest thing you can think of. One…. two… three!"

"Walmart parking lot!" Millie shouts.

"Failing college!" Shouts Moxxie. What is wrong with these people? Like seriously...

"Ohhh!" Millie said excitedly, I wanna change my answer!"

"Okay. Listen up, I'm not gonna lie. Right now, you couldn't frighten a fly or scare a seagull off of a fry. You never stopped to ask yourselves "why?" Both of you are too fucking polite, middle class, suburban, and weird. Well, all of that is finished tonight.  
Take your places, I want scary faces. Now go! Bigger. Further. Harder. Not bad.. Sever a head, preferably someone you know. Just better that way." 

"Look at me, I'm so scary!" Millie squealed in excitement.

"Whose head is that?" Moxxie asked. Fuck me…

"Don't be so vanilla! Would a little anger kill ya? Like seriously? C'mon, drop your underpants! I'm trying to fill ya with wisdom and skill and the instinct to kill!" I said with passion.

"Again, we do not want to kill anyone! Don't you fucking listen?!" Moxxie yelled.

"Fine! Fine, but somehow, someway, you gotta make 'em see ya. I'm talkin' jump-scares, the fucking Micheal Jackson Thriller dance! Plus—learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends!" I gave a demonstration.

"Now THAT is cool! I wanna do that!" Moxxie was basically jumping with excitement.

"Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy.  
Raise the stakes by grilling an elephant!  
Scare 'em awake till they break. They'll be quaking in fright! 'Cause you've got some evil deep down inside you, so put all the farmer's markets behind you, you've gotta work. Gotta haunt till it hurts! And give those guys the fright of their lives. Yeah!  
And after you scare them, while they’re still quaking in terror you make them say this.." I handed Moxxie a piece of paper.

"Dolly Levi. Matchmaker!" He spoke.

"What? No no no! Sorry! Hehe. Wrong one. This. This one!" I handed him the right piece.

"Well this just says BlitzoJuice three times.."

"Bingo! But just so ya know, the 'O' is silent." I corrected.

"That’s your name?" Millie asked.

"Well, it’s my middle name. My first name is actually Paul. Yeah, I know… so fucking boring."

"Why make them say it? We’ve already said it a bunch of times…" Moxxie asked, he was so curious, it's too cute!

"Well it doesn’t matter if you say it, Moxxi3. They have to be alive! Whoa sorry I didn’t mean to yell it’s just… you make daddy so angry." I cooed at him. "Let's start with things that you hate."

"Well, hate's a very strong word." Oh Mox… you poor innocent, sexy bastard.

"Perhaps when people are late?" Millie said.

"Or getting pooped on by birds?" 

"No, what fills you with rage?! Come one! You gotta have something!"

"Being mean to an animal!" Millie shouted.

"Chefs who use too much sage when they make beurre noisette!" Oh… Moxxie….

"Over-glutinous food!" What the actual fuck Millie.

"Right." Oh this is gonna be harder then I thought.

"Or when kids call me 'dude'. That irks me!"

"Sure." 

"Oh, I find that so rude!" Millie agreed.

"Well, there's lots there to use. Take a deep breath and give me your best primal scream!

"Haaah!"

"Millie, that was brilliant!"

"Really?" She blushed.

"Try it again. Maybe this time, pretend like you mean it, please?" Oh good lord.

"Aaauuhh!"

"That was even better, Mills!"

"Thanks, babe!"

"I want freedom, but to get my freedom, I need them to get a living person to say my name!"

"Blitzojuice, Blitzojuice, Blitzojuice?" They said together.

"I know that beggars can't be choosers  
But do they have to be such losers? Both of them are deathly boring and lame. Why God or satan or Baal, whoever Is there, did you send these bed wetters? Even, like, a tax attorney would've been great!  
Somebody with gravitas, Somebody to fear who—"

"Excuse me, Mr. Blitzojuice? We can kind of hear you." Adam said.

"Yeah? Well that was supposed to be an inner thought monologue, so you're the one who's being rude. Whatever it takes to make 'em go crazy."

"Turn all the lights on!"

"Dress like a baby!" Yes, Moxxie… I wanna see you dressed as a baby… so. Fucking. Badly.

"That’s really creepy, Moxxie." Not really. Save that for later? "No. Get your heads in the game!"

"Let's hide their phones!"

"Screw their phones, Millie!" Ugh, these dopes are both hopeless How will I ever survive? Unless they get the fright of their lives?!

"Yes yes, we're feelin' it, they're gonna feel it, we're killin' it!" They said in unison. That was creepy.

"They gotta get the fright of their lives"

"We're scary, very very scary!" Again with talking at the same time!

"They'll never get the fright of their lives.."

"Yeah" oh my God.. stop….

"Ugh. Well, see ya!".

"What!? You said you’d help us!" Millie yelled at me.

"I wanted to help you. That’s literally all I wanted. But the two of you are hopeless."

"Well what did you expect? We’re not like you!"

"I know that Millie! No one’s like me! That’s the problem! I’m sorry." I’m sorry readers. I know that my name is like, the big thing in this story, but you’re gonna have to read a new story. The Horvitzs are more boring than Les Miserables That’s right I said it. Fuck Les Miserables!

"Wait! You’re just leaving?!"

"Yes, Moxxie baby! Yes! This is not working out so goodbye. Adios.   
Don’t text me in the middle of the night saying you're up because, new phone who dis, bullshit. See you in hell! Ha! I’m gone! I’m gonna use the door." I started to walk away. "Hey guys?"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck you." I flipped them off.

"That guy needs some god damn therapy!   
I hope there’s a dead therapist somewhere that can give him the help he needs." Moxxie said after I left.

"So now what? We can’t just stay in the attic. It's so… gross up here."

"What other choice do we have? There are people downstairs. Strangers. I didn’t even like strangers when I was alive. Millie, those are the guest sheets."

"That needy pervert was right. If we want our house back we have to fight for it." Millie said.

"But how? No one can see us?"

"We’re ghosts damnit! Let’s haunt this bitch!"

"Millie!"

"Oblivion calls so we might as well walk through some walls. I’m sure we can haunt our own halls, Cause Moxxie, we’re ready as we’ll ever get."

"If we wanna win back our home. I gotta get right outside my comfort zone." Moxxie pep talked to himself.

"Hey, Angel!" Charlie called

"Huh? Yes Charlotte dear?"

"This is gonna be great. I feel like I really captured your essence!" Charlie kinda smiled.

"Charlotte, you cannot just sneak up on people and take their essence. And also I don’t model anymore. Unless I am being paid upfront and I mean cash. I learned that the hard way. Fucking Val."

"I just want something to remember you by. When you’re gone, that is."

"What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere." 

"I had a vision." Charlie shrugged.

"Oh that’s great! I had a vision once. I was in a sweat lounge. Well actually it was just this really hot apartment in Queens. With the doors locked from the outside. My pa was a bastard."

"In my vision my dad and I are back at our old house in New York. Everything was the way it used to be…….And you don’t exist."

"Charlotte, I know that I’m paid to care about you, but I’d like us to be real friends! So I have an idea, why don’t you and I clear out all that old junk up in the attic? We could build you a dark room!" Angel said hopefully.

"My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room."

"Well that is depressing. You know my guru Husker always says that depression is like a bottle of expensive booze..It’s okay at Christmas but the rest of the year you gotta settle for the cheap shit!  
Which reminds me! I got you a new dress for your father’s business dinner. Aahhh! It says I’m warm, I’m friendly, and I think about death only a normal amount." Angel rambled. What kinda shit this bitch on? And does he have enough to share?

"I prefer black."

"Black reminds me of a funeral and this." he holds the dress. "This says fucking business dinner."

"It could be both. A toast to my father and his all important business. Also, one of your wine glasses is poisoned!" Charlie fake gasped.

"Charlotte, you give me that! Smash.   
Charlotte, right now you are redirecting anger and deflecting pain, and other terms I learned in my training. But what you need is a new perspective." Angel said. "The universe is more than just space with no end. Just think of the universe as a female best friend. And you can be like "Hey, Universe, what's happenin', girl?"  
And she'll be like "Oh, nothin'... just running the world." And you'll be like, "What?" And the universe will be like "I know! You're on the right track, girl I got your back, girl I'm helping you grow"  
Think positive. Act positive You are a child of the Earth! Life-coaching! Nailing it!  
Time to take command. You dictate the hand the universe deals Look! Science makes no sense. Who needs evidence? Go with your feels. I'm like a radio tuned to the stars. I found my frequency crystals speak to me."

"What are they saying?"

"Buy more crystals! Everything, everything happens for a reason. Be a beacon of light in the world. Put a little "alright" in the world. There are spiritual guides above us. Look up and see 'em. Perception is reality, just listen to the melody the universe sings  
'Cause everything, everything happens for a reason."

"Gee, I hate to break it to you, Angel,   
The universe is just the contents of time, matter and space." Charlie said matter of factly.

"Yeah."

"Ninety-one billion light-years across and the Earth's a small place where good people die."

"No—"

"Yes! And famine and wars! The Pacific Islands are sinking but negative thinking is hardly the cause! You only think about unicorns and rainbows 'cause you're fucking bored." 

"Unicorns are fucking scary! Have you seen those things?!" Angel defended himself.

"And positivity is a luxury that few can afford. We're gonna die yes, you and I. meaninglessness and alone…"

"That is not true.No no no! No!  
One day you may wake up alone.." Angel was trying his best.

"Okay?"

"'Cause your husband and his boyfriend bought a boat.. And then they sailed away to….SPAIN!"

"That's specific."

"So you cry yourself to sleep in deep despair, talkin' to the walls 'cause there's no one around. And you have to buy a cat 'cause that's your last chance to have a family. Take it from me! That your aging ass will have to believe that— Everything, everything happens for a reason. Put some more fun in the world. A little "I am still young!!!" in the world Be prepared to take your eggs and freeze 'em—"

"Is this still about me?" Charlie asks.

"'Cause everything, everything happens—"

"Sounds like terrible things can happen because the universe is random and a dick."

"Yes, but— Random for a reason!"

"No reason!" Charlie shouted

"Leave this house. Leave this" Moxxie and Millie said in their best ghost voices possible.

"What the heck did they do to our house?!" Moxxie asked.

"You can’t make every wall an accent wall. That's just fucking stupid!" Millie said in disgust.

"Excuse me. Are you guys ghosts?" Charlie asked the two bed sheets standing by her. And they nodded.

"Oh my god! This house is haunted!"

"Run!" Moxxie yelled.

"Which way?!" 

"It doesn’t. I. These stupid fucking sheets."

"Dead mom. I asked you to send me a sign. Is this it? Wait!" Charlie called after the floating sheets running towards where they went.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh god! That was a disaster. I thought these were twin sheets. They’re queens!" Moxxie said, disappointment in his voice.

"Greetings ghosts! My name is Charlie Mange. Do not be afraid!" 

"Why aren’t you afraid of us?" Millie asked, she always asks questions.

"Because you’re not scary." Charlie laughed. "Unless are you horribly disfigured… Is that why you’re wearing the sheet? Can I see?!"

"Just an old couple. I’m Millie, this is Moxxie. We used to live here." Millie answered after they took the sheets off.

"Wait, I’m confused. You can see us without the sheets. But we were told living people ignore the strange and impossible?"

"They do." Millie said.

"Perhaps that’s because I myself, am strange."

"You seem like a normal girl to me, sweetheart."

"So um, Charlie. Since you can see us I’ll get straight to the point. Do you think you’d mind leaving and like, never come back?" Moxxie asked.

"Moxxie!!"

"I don’t mean just her. I mean her family!"

"We are not a family. We are a father, a daughter, and that bitch Angel Dust."

"Your mother. Is she...?" Millie asked.

"Yeah. She died." Charlie looked down.

"Oh Charlie, I am so sorry." Millie said.

"Yeah. Me too. She would've loved this! I mean real ghosts!We used to make these haunted houses in the garage all the time?  
Except we would do it in the summer so no one expected it! This one year we tried to do a classic horror theme. Mom was the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe. I thought she was terrifying but nobody knew who she was. Even Aunt Evie. Sorry, I don’t mean to bore you guys by talking about my mom." Charlie apologized.

"We don’t mind, sweetie."

"Really? My dad never wants me to talk about her. It’s a rule in my house."

"Well hey, I do not see any cops around here." Moxxie joked.

"Argh!"

"What, Mills?"

"Moxxie... that was just fucking awful."

"No, no. It was adorable. It was like the perfect dad joke!" Charlie smiled.

"Oh yeah? Well I’m warning you I got billions of them! And I never got to use them while I was alive. So……" Moxxie smiled at the young blonde girl.

"I’m glad I met you guys. This is the first nice moment I’ve had since I got here."

"Oh, this is the first nice moment we’ve had since we died." Millie smiled back at her.

"I don’t have a lot of friends so I guess if I have to live in this stupid house, at least I’ll have you guys in the attic."

"I’m sorry. I gotta say it. This house is not stupid, it is a classic victorian with the original crown molding." Moxxie stated the fact. "And your dad has made some big mistakes with the interior design."

"Moxxie, that’s not why she doesn’t like it here."

"I know, but I’m just saying. It’s not stupid."

"Wait. Maybe we can help each other!"

"What do you mean?" Millie asked, yet again… another fucking question.

"You guys want your house back right? That’s what I want too. So let’s scare my dad! Once he realizes this house is haunted we’ll have to leave! It's perfect!" Charlie smiled.

"But we’re invisible. Your dad can’t see us." Moxxie said.

"He doesn't fucking see me either. But together we’ll make him see. Come on! We invisibles have to stick together!"

"Millie?"

"Let’s do it!"

"Luci, that was the most spiritually nourishing fuck you have ever given me." Angel sighed.

"You’re very good at sex, and yet, I worry about the future. About Charlie."

"Oh she’s so stubborn, I just need more time. I'll get through to her."

"No, you have failed, but so have I! This is all so wrong you’re my employee but also my lover. It’s--" 

"Prostitution?"

"Not good for Charlie. She needs stability.  
And here we are, sneaking around like two teenagers at a church picnic. It has to stop." Lucifer said.

"Wait, Luci, are you breaking up with me?!"

"Angel…"

"You’re firing me?!"

"Angel."

"You’re breaking up with me and you’re firing me?! Oh my fucking God! Charlie’s vision was right! Fuck!!!"

"Charlie’s vision? What fucking vision?"

"Why does this always happen to me!?  
Every single time I finally feel like I start to belong it’s “goodbye Angel” “you’re out of the band Angel.” “Pazuzu doesn’t need more disciples.” SHIT!" Angel started to cry 

"Angel, wait. I’m uncomfortable with feelings, you know this. What I’m trying to say is I hired you to help my daughter but you have ended up helping me. We can’t hide this anymore. Do you understand what I’m saying to you?"

"No." Angel sniffled.

"I’m proposing." Lucifer smiled.

"Oh my Fat Nuggets!"

"Angel Dust, will you do me the honor of signing prenuptial agreements and becoming my second spouse? Mt first husband?"

"You bet your sweet candied apple ass I will!"

"I’m so happy." Angel cried, happy tears this time. Obviously. Then they heard Charlie scream.

"Hide!" He shoved Angel off the bed and he army rolled under the bed.

"Dad! Dad! There’s ghosts! They’re chasing me! Help!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, Charlie?"

"They’re chasing me!"

"What are you talking about?"

"This house it’s haunted."

"Leave this house." Moxxie and Millie said together. God they really need to stop that, it's fucking weird.

"Can you see them?" Charlie asks her father.

"What? No. See what?"

"The ghosts. They’re in the room with us and they have scorpions for teeth and their eyes are just like the devil!"

"Lydia, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing right now." He sighed, clearly done with Charlie's theatrics.

"We’ve gotta get out of here. Go back to New York. Grab all you can and-- Angel?" Charlie asked while looking down towards the floor, where Angel's blonde hair is seen poking from underneath the bed.

"Hmm?" He asks like he just woke up and didn't know where he was. 

"Dad, why is Angel under your bed?"

"Charlie, the apple of my eye, I have asked Angel to marry me."

"What!? But-- no, you can’t do that!"

"Charlie, this is a good thing. I need a wife and you need a mother."

"I have a mother!" Charlie shouted. "Dad, there’s ghosts here. And if this house is haunted, then that means, mom might still be back at our old house!"

"Charlie, in twenty-four hours, Vox Telly will be here to have dinner with our family. And I’d like us to be a family."

"No." 

"Charlotte, look, I know that you’re upset, but… maybe this was meant to be." Angel said after he got up and sat on the bed.

"I wish I was dead!" Charlie shouted and ran out the room.

"Luci, maybe we shouldn’t have.."

"No. She just needs more time." He said.

You’re invisible when you’re me. There’s no one to see my truth. If they could look up they’d see. Hey, somebody’s on the roof. Thank you. God it’s mortifying. What’s the point of even trying because now I’m trapped with no escape? Banished, disavowed, I’ve vanished like a cloud of dirty hipster vape smoke shit. Nobody said life’s fair, I guess they will never see the imp who isn’t there. You’re invisible when you’re me. Whoa what’ve we got here? Oooooo...

'By the time you read this, I, Charlotte Mange, will be gone. There’s nothing for me here. I’m an outcast, forsaken, invisible.'

"That makes two of us kid." I spoke.

"Who the hell are you?"

"You can see me?!"

"Yeah, you look like an anemic red goat that got fucked by paintballs and then left in the dumpster and-"

"You can see me! I’m gonna have a new best friend! A new best friend! So living girl, dead guy. What brings you to the roof, huh?"

"I’m gonna jump!" Charlie said getting closer to the edge.

"NOOOOO!!!!!! I mean… no. Hey, I have an idea! How about instead of impaling yourself on that bird bath you uh, I don’t know, say my name three times?"

"What for?"

"Please don’t make me beg. I will! I just don’t want too… Okay fine, I’m begging okay! I’m just so sick of being invisible. And you, you can change all of that." I begged.

"I can’t change anything. That’s why I’m doing this. Once I’m dead, my dad will be sorry!"

"NO! No he won’t. You’ll just be uh dead so uh…. Hey, look, get it. You and me, we’re not that different. You don’t like your dad, I don’t like my mom. She’s a demon and she doesn’t get me because I'm an Imp. She’s always like “get a job.” “Why do have horn like things and not actual hair?” “I should’ve left like your father.”" I started to tear up a bit. "The point is, maybe we can help each other out."

I looked her dead in the eye, "You could use a buddy. Don’t you want a pal? Yes I do. Girl, the way I see it, your daddy should be leaving and you should stick around and kill him!"

"What?" She looked at me quizzically.

"Nothing. So, like, Charlie, don’t end yourself, defend yourself. That daddy guy is the one you should maim! Together, we’ll exterminate, assassinate!"

"No!" She shouted.

"The finer points can wait. But first you gotta say my name. Go ahead and jump but that won’t stop him. Here you’ve got a solid plan B option! I can bring your daddy so much pain. All you gotta do is say my name! Justust say it three times in a row and you won’t believe how far I’ll go! I’m on the bench, but coach just put me in the game! All you gotta do is say my name!"

"I don’t know your name." 

"Well I can’t really say it."

" Then, how about a game of charades? I can try and guess?" 

"Yes! Let’s play it." I held up two fingers.

"Okay…. Two words." 

"Right."

"Second word.

"Uh huh"

"Drink?" 

"No."

"Beverage?"

"No."

"SPACEBEER?!" What the fuck is space beer?

"No."

"Juice?"

"Yes! FINALLY!" Ok.. now how the hell do the first part? Fuck!

"Right. First word. Bingo?"

"No. You know what, I'll just sign it."

"Blitzo?"

"Yes! But the 'O' is silent!"

"BliztoJuice?"

"Wow, very impressive. And all you gotta do is say my name three times. Three times in a row it must be spoken unbroken. Ready?" I smiled wide.

"Yeah."

"Okay… aanndd….. NOW!

"BlitzoJuice…. BlitzoJuice..Bli-" Oh here it comes!! "Cause, You’re so smart. A stand up bro. I’ll think about your offer and then get back to ya. But I prefer my chances down below. Oh BlitzoJuice."

"Yes!"

"Blitzojuice."

"Here it fucking comes!"

"Being young and female doesn’t mean that I’m an easy target. I’ve been swimming with piranhas, I don’t need to go swimming with a shark. Yes life sucks but not that much. Okay blitzojuice blitzojuice Be a doll and spare the lecture!"

"I’m offering you a full time spectre here!"

"Are you any good?"

"You betcha! Trust me doll face!"

"I just met ya. Really though, it’s a flattering offer."

"Don’t you wanna see dear ol' dad suffer?"

"I think I’d rather just jump off."

"No!"

"I may be suicidal but Blitzy, but it’s not as if I’ve lost my fucking mind."

"So, playing hardball, huh? You are tougher cookie than ya look. 

"Just wanna make sure I know who I'm working with. Got any references I ask?"

"Charlie, there you are!" Millie then came bursting into the moment along with that fine piece of dead ass, Moxxie.

"Are you alright?" Moxxie asked.

"Mr and Mrs H! My old pals! How ya doing?!"

"Get away from her! Charlie, this is a dangerously unstable creature!" Moxxie said.

"Blitzojuice is sexy!" Thank you Mills!

"Bliztojuice is smart!" Always the chamber Moxxie baby.

"BJ is a graduate of Yale! He can help! We found him on Craigslist! Our troubles all ended on the day that we befriended him  
Every word is the truth! Blitzojuice, Blitzojuice, Blitzojuice!" The spoke together.. this time though, it was nice.

"What the hell was that?!" Millie shrieked.

"So violating!" Moxxie looked as if he was gonna vomit.

"There you go, Charlie Bear! Couple of five-star reviews! 

"What was that?" She asked.

"That was possession, my dear. Any dead thing can do that in less than one lesson!"

"Really?"

"Pretty much, sure." I shrugged.

"Then, Blitzojuice... what do I need you for?" She smirked at me.

"Whoa, whoa! Whoa whoa whoa!  
Hold up! I'm your pal! They're sweet, but I'm an Imp straight from Hell! I know, I went a little hard on thsell....But we're BF-F-F-F's forever!" Then she pushed me over the edge of the fucking house.

"Charlie!"

"What? He was already dead! And you heard what he said, any dead thing can do that possession stuff!"

"Do you mean us? Because I don’t think we can do that….." Moxxie said nervously.

"Fool your friends, fun at parties." He then said.

"I did it!" Millie shouted.

"MILLIE!"

"See! We can do this! We don't need that… Imp? The three of us alone can wreck dad's evening! Together we can make a grown man fucking cry! Guys, I got a dinner date to keep."

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Moxxie asked.

"Teach dad a lesson, he's gonna freak when we possess him! So, he wants the perfect daughter? I'll lead that lamb to slaughter!Yeah, I got game! I'm gonna make him say my name!" Damn that girl can rhyme.. did she do that on purpose?

"Where’s the lobster?! Get the lobster!" Yelled Lucifer.

"He’s here! Angel!"

"Luci? Does this dress say I wanna fuck you so this dinner goes well?" Angel asked

"My God, Angel! We don’t have time to make screaming passionate love right now but I swear to you we will." Lucifer kissed him. Then the doorbell rang. "Where’s Charlie?"

"Still has herself locked in her room."

"Damnit! What do I do? We’ll just have to do this without her." He then opened the door to see Vox Telly, "Up top! Oh so close! Come here." They did the bro hug.

"Lucifer! You old sucker! Put it here!"

"Vox! Welcome, to our model home. We designed it to reflect wealth, sophistication,  
And above all-" 

"Lucifer Mange!"

"Hello."

"Hey Lucifer."

"You brought your legal team?" Lucifer asked and stared at the three other people standing with Vox.

"I’m rich, Luci, I don’t leave home without them." He laughed.

"Oh, speaking of luggage. Have you met my fourth wife?" He showed off a beautiful woman on his side.

"He is so mean to me! I’m his fifth wife." She laughed.

"I see… well, I’d like you all to meet my fiance, Angel." Lucifer said and Angel came up to him.

"Updog!" Angel said sweetly.

"Oh! Um, I'm not sure what that is . What's up dog?"

"Not much, what's up with you?"

"I'm… sorry… what?" The lady was terribly confused.

"Oh, don’t mind her. My baby’s got a body that doesn’t quit and a brain that doesn’t work." Vox laughed again.

"See, so mean. Well it’s true, I was kicked in the head by a racing horse." The woman laughed

"Well, um.. how about we eat?" Lucifer decided to change the subject.

"Wondeful idea! I am famished. Say Lucifer, didn’t you used to have a daughter?" Vox asked as they went to the dining room.

"Yes, um Charlie. I’m afraid she won’t be joining us. The fact is she’s been having a hard time since--"

"Oh father, did I hear the dinner bell?" Charlie asked. 

"Charlie."

"Life coaching! Yes! It’s not a fad! Do the research, you bitch!" Angel randomly says.

"I’m so sorry I’m late everybody, I had fallen asleep." Charlie said as she came to the table.

"The dress. You look lovely, darling." Lucifer complimented his daughter.

"Charlie! What an beautiful young lady you are. Your father was trying to hide you from us?" Vox laughed. "What’s the matter Luci? Afraid I’d try and marry her?" He laughed some more.

"And he’ll do it too." Vox's wife laughed.

"Well, this will be one interesting night isn't it?"

"Yes, it will be." Vox said.

"But first, I think it would be so wonderful if our newest family member would make a toast. Angel?" Charlie then looked towards feminine man.

"Why thank you future step daughter. Business friends: I have only known this amazing, beautifrul man and his unique, scary daughter for a few months—I don't even know how many, I'd have to check my pay stubs!—but, as my guru Husker always says—Day-O!" Angel out his hand over his mouth.

"Is everything okay, Angel?" Charlie asked.

"Um, heh, um... I am so sorry, I don't... I don't know what just happened. I meant to say— Me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-o!"

"Angel? Do you have to get a drink or lie down or something?" Lucifer asked.

"No! No, I just need to— Daylight come and me wan' go home. What is happening to me?! Why am I singin'?!"

"Voxxy!" Lucifer spoke to Mr. Telly.

"Yes?"

"On behalf of Angel and myself, I'd just like to say— Work all night on a drink of rum!"

"Daylight come and me wanna go home!" Every joined in, except for Charlie, who was standing there smiling.

"Stack banana till the morning come, brrah!" Sang Angel.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home  
Day, me say day-o  
Daylight come and me wan' go home?"

"Come mister tally man, tally me banana!" Damn Lucifer has a good voice!

"Daylight come and me wan' go home!"

"Come mister tally man, tally me banana!" Vox sang.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home!" Everyone was now up and dancing and Charlie was having a blast watching.

"Charlie! Call 9-1-1! Wait, whytl the hell aren't you dancing?!" Lucifer said as he led the conga line.

"It's like I told you, Dad: This house is haunted and the ghosts who live here… want you out! Millie, the pig!"

"Who wants bacon?" Millie asked bringing out bacon.

"No! No! NOT MY FAT NUGGETS!" Angel yelled.

"A beautiful bunch of ripe banana!" Sang lucifer once again.

"Daylight come and we wan' go home!"

"Hide the spoon!" Okay Vox's wife is a moron.

"Daylight come and me wan' go home!" Sang Fat Nuggets.

"Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch  
Daylight come and me wan' go home  
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch  
Daylight come and me wan' go home!" Finally, everyone stopped singing and dancing.

"Vox! Please, forgive me! If I had known—"

"Lucifer, you dunce! Don't apologize! We're gonna be fucking rich!" Vox smiled widely.

"What?"

"Yeah, what?" Charlie repeated her father. 

"I was never gonna invest in your retarded "gated community." But a genuine haunted house? It's a gold mine!"

"No!" Charlie shouted.

"Did you hear that, Angel Cakes!? These ghosts are gonna make us a fortune!" Lucifer was beyond excited.

"No, you're supposed to shit your pants!" Cried Charlie.

"Charlie, we're so sorry! It didn't work." Moxxie apologized.

"There's one thing that we can do to stop him." She said.

"Charlie, no, you don't know what will happen!" Millie said as she tried to talk her out of it.

"I can't keep living like this! Blitzojuice!

"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I'm so glad you changed your mind. You are not gonna regret this, kid!" Fucking finally!

"Blitzojuice!"

"We are gonna make such a great team! Give me just one more! Come on!"

"Blitzojuice!!!!!"

It's showtime! "Welcome, welcome, welcome! Can everybody see me, okay?!" Everyone in the room screamed.

"God, I missed that sound." I smiled.

"You didn’t listen, dad! Now this is what you get!" Charlie shouted.

"Yeah daddy. This is what you get!"

"Stop this! You’ve made your point." Millie said as she tried to grab me.

"Get porked, Mills!"

"Millie! Climb something! Donekys can’t climb!" Moxxie called.

"And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Step right up and let’s play a game that I like to call…... run for your life!" 

"Run!" Lucifer called aneld everyone disappeared.

"He’s really gone." Charlie said in disbelief.

"Oh yeah! It’s our house now kid! Congrats!" I patted her back.

"Whoa!"

"Looks like we’re not invisible anymore, kid!"


	4. Chapter 4

"This is it the day I've been waiting for!  
Wishing, hoping, working, and praying for?  
The day my parents have been delaying for years! Ooh, I’m gonna sell some cookies! I mean, It's not their fault that they're overprotectiveI was born with arrhythmia, my heart is defective. Only takes one shock and I could be dead from the fear! Still, I’m gonna sell some cookies.. Hike by hike, Song by song, The Girl Scouts helped me grow strong! They'd have my back if anything went wrong with me. Jamborees, soda pop. Distract me from the fact that my heart could stop.  
When you're a Girl Scout everything's gonna work out, even if you're born with congenital heart disease and you could be killed by a random sneeze. You're a Girl Scout everything's gonna work out. Just gonna ring the bell of this creepy looking house." The little girl said to herself.

"Hello, little girl!" Charlie smiled down at her.

"Oh, um, yes, um, hi! My name is Niffty and I'm here today to support the Girl Scouts by selling cookies. Four dollars a box. Would you like some?" The girl scout with firey orange hair asked.

"Sure!"

"Really?! Oh thank you!"

"Yeah What flavours you got?"

"I’ve got shortbread, pumpkin spice, oatmeal raisin, samoas and thin mints, and one that tastes like apple pie!" Niffty spoke quickly.

"Why don’t you come inside?"

"Well, we're really not supposed to.."

"Why not?"

"Pedophiles, but it’s so cold, and you're not mean. And no one gets molested by a gothy teen. So I guess, okay, it's fine!" Niffty smiled. "I'll come in!" Charlie let the girl in. "It's so dark in here."

"Is it? I hadn’t noticed!"

"Don’t worry I’m always prepared! Just kidding. Probably didn’t scare you."

"You’re fun." Charlie smiled.

"I like you too, miss!"

"I have some cash. Give me those cookies! I haven't had a girl scout cookie in so long!"

"Okay. Well maybe I should just come back another time, when your parents are home?"

"Boo, bitch!" I shouted. And the little screamed.

"Do you hear that sound?" I asked as Niffty screamed again.

"That beautiful sound." Charlie agreed, and Niffty once again screamed.. she really needs to stop that.

"That is the sound of clean white shorts turning brown. Torture and pain!" And again…. She screams… "Breaking a brain."

"This is so weird!" Niffty yelled.

"A sound that says I will never sleep well again." I then made ooga booga noises and made her scream again and she ran from the house. After some time, the doorbell rings again.

"Someone’s at the door. Okay let’s make some more people scream. Come here. Shh shh." I said to Charlie. They opened the door.

"Pizza for Deetz." The pizza delivery guy, whose name tag said Valentino, said.

"Hey what’d you order?" Charlie asked me.

"Pepperoni, mushroom, and…. snakes!" I laughed.

"Snakes?!" Val screamed and ran off.

*Ding dong*

"Jesus Christ a lot of people come to this fucking house!"

"Hello? New neighbors? I brought you a pie. It’s from the store, though, I'm not a great cook. Hey, It’s so dark in here."

"Hello!" The man screamed and ran off, just as the others did. "Wow. look at you kid. First time having your own genuine haunted house and you’re a natural! But, if you’re gonna live like a ghost you gotta follow the rules, okay? Rule number one. Don’t leave the house."

"Why not?" She asked and I opened the door to show her a fucking desert. And a worm.. theres a sand worm too.

"That’s why not."

"What is that?!"

"That is a sandworm. They eat ghosts." That's a total foreshadow, by the way. Rule number two. Every new ghost gets a tote bag!"

"National public radio?"

"That’s where tote bags come from. There’s loads of stuff in there! There’s a toblerone, a bath bomb, a book you’re never going to read...."

"Handbook for the…. recently deceased?"

"That’s right! Every dead person gets one but since you’re not actually dead, wanna see its dead puppet show?" 

"Can… can I use this to find my mom?"

"Your mom? Your mom’s dead. She’s in the Netherworld."

"The Netherworld? Can I bring her back? Can I bring her back here?!" She asked hopefully.

"What?! Wait, why would anybody wanna spend more time with their mother? Did I mention that my mom’s a demon? And she’s impossible! She’d start drinking and I’d be like mom stop drinking. It’s either me or the booze...And she’d be like well then I choose the booze.The point is we just got rid of your dad! We were having so much fun together. Now I’m crying!" Fuck my life….

"I can’t open it." Charlie said as she tried to open the handbook.

"Well yeah because you’re not recently dead." Duh!

"Oh. I’ll just ask Adam and Barbara, then!"

"Whoa. No. Wait where are you going? Are you leaving me?!"

"I’m going to get the book open." Charlie said like it was no big deal.

"I thought we were pals!"

"What are you talking about? I’m gonna find my mom."

"Well then what am I supposed to do?" Can you believe that? After everything I’ve done for her. Alone. Again.Do you know how it feels to get everything you thought you ever wanted, but still feel like no one will ever love you? I gotta get out of here. Really live, really connect. Everyone can see me now. But if I were alive I could get out of this place. Meet my kind of people.  
You know, socially liberal but physically conservative. And there is a way. All I have to do is convince Charlie to marry me!  
You okay? Where did I lose you? Oh the marriage thing!? It’s not a real marriage. It’like....Oh! It’s like a green card thing. Truly it is! And I’ve got a plan. Of course I might have to get a little mean, I might have to get a little nasty. Well, if you wanna treat me like an imp then I’ll be a fucking imp!

Do you hear that sound? That beautiful sound...The sound of a super evil plan going down. Being bad rocks! She’s in for a shock. As soon as she lifts the lid on Pandora’s Box! I’m the man with a plan. I live to connive. And speaking of livin’ it’s almost a given that I will! Fuck now I'm rhyming...

"He’s gonna kill somebody. Somebody’s gonna die, Millie!"

"Charlie, she can’t live like this!"

"I have an idea. Let’s chop off his head." Moxxie said as he grabbed a random axe from seemingly nowhere.

"Yes!"

"Who are we decapitating?" Charlie asked as she came into the attic.

"Beetlejuice." Millie answered 

"You should. He’d love that!" 

"You know, hate is a really strong word, but I do not like him!"

"Yeah. he’s a monster. But he’s my monster…. And he gave me this." She handed them the handbook.

"What is that? Is that an old book? I love old books!!" Moxxie beamed.

"There are two kinds of people in this world. New car smell people…" started Millie.

"And old book smell people." Finished Moxxie.

"And i guess we are old book smell kinda people." Charlie stated.

"Handbook for the recently deceased?" Millie questioned as she read the cover.

"I just need one of you to open it. Moxxie? Do you wanna do the honors?" Charlie asked. He blonder hair blowing slightly from a draft.

"Oh boy! This is exciting! I'm excited!"

"Charlie, why did Blitzojuice give that to you?"

"I’m gonna use it to bring my mom back... from the Netherworld. That's where he said she was."

"Netherworld. Okay then."

"Here goes nothing." Moxxie said as he opened the book.

"Whoa." Charlie's eyes widened as she looked over the first page.

"Whoa. This is such an interesting font!  
Okay. Chapter 1: The Netherworld. All ghosts should proceed directly to the Netherworld. Well that would’ve been a good thing to know." Moxxie mumbled the last part to himself.

"Does it say anything about summonings or seances? Cause those would be helpful."

"Hold on." He skimmed through the pages. "Here. It says, draw a door." So Moxxie drew a door to the best of his abilities. "Now normally I would use a blunt line for this, but boop, I’m not too shabby with a freehand." He said as he finished. "Here okay. It’s a little crooked. Uh knock three times." He knocked three times and put his hand on the drawing. "Here goes nothing." He pushed it open.

"Is that the netherworld?" Charlie asked.

"Netherworld"

"Moxxie!"

"Netherworld."

"This book is dangerous!" Mille said as she went to close it.

"What?! No! Don’t close it." Charlie stopped her.

"This is wrong. It’s all terribly wrong."

"I thought you were on my side!?"

"We are, sweetheart. But Charlie, you can’t live like this. In a haunted house all alone."

"I have been alone since my mom died. And now I have a chance to see her again.  
Please, just open it!

"I, I can’t. It’s too risky!"

"Then I’ll find a way to do it myself." She turned to leave.

"Charlie, wait!" Moxxie called to her.

"We’re scared for you." 

"You’re scared of everything! That’s why you’re stuck in the attic!" Then she left. Moxxie and Millie looked around their attic. 

"That wasn't very nice to say. I mean, sure it's a little dusty and full of clutter, but it's still out attic." Moxxie said.

"But she is right. We never used half this shit and the other half we literally just hoarded." Millie said picking up stuff and tossing them to the side. She picked up a tea pot she never once touched while she was alive and threw it against the wall. 

"Mills! What are you doing?!" 

"This is the new me, Moxxie. One who isn't afraid. Say hello to Millie 2.0."

"You're right, babe. Time to change and stop being scared. We are now the Horvitz 2.0!"

"Hello! Black and red imp man. I’ve returned to take my beloved daughter from your cold dead hands." Lucifer said walking into the house and Angel screamed. "Angel, it was just the wind."

"But what if it’s Charlie? What if she’s possessed?! What if Charlie is in my head right now?!"

"Angel, there is nothing in our heads." 

"Luci!"

"It’s our brains. Big beautiful, pink, squishy brains."

"You have a big brain." Angel said.

"You are the big brain." He replied back.

"You are the big brain." 

"You make it big. Those ghosts are amongst us in this god forsaken hell hole.  
Let’s save Charlie and get the hell out of here. Where is that damned exorcist?!"

"About that....yeah, I cancelled the exorcist and I got someone better! My guru, Husker!

"Sweet baby Jesus! Angel! We need a real exorcist! You saw that monster who knows what he’s done to Charlotte!" Lucifer exclaimed.

"Well I thought you’d be proud of me for taking initiative!"

"I am. I’m super proud, Angel Cakes."

"It’s like my guru, Husker, always says.   
If you don’t take a limo dick by the hand, you won't know what it's like to masterbate because you didn’t do it."

"I do not always say that!" A man with white and black peppered hair came walking toward them. "I say, if you don't take chance, then you won't have a chance because you never took it." 

"Husker!"

"Angel! My bitch! Spirit hug!"

"Life is life. Love is love. Live a life of love." They said together.

"Okay. Husk, buddy, thanks for coming. We are dealing with a haunted house here. I’m not sure you are equipped, though." Lucifer said after being slightly creeped out.

"Angel! What do I always say about doubt?"

"The B is silent but it still sting!"

"nono.....Not that one."

"Why say doubt, when you can stop and do?" He tried again.

"No, try again."

"Doubt. It has a you but it doesn’t have a me."

""See lucifer! As a life coach I have but one enemy."

"Death?" Lucifer asked.

"Let me say it. Death! I studied death. I think like death. I spent a long holiday weekend in a fucking box with death!  
And still here! So, I’m the perfect person to help you battle your ghost."

"Imp." Lucifer corrected.

"You can’t argue with that, Luci."

"You wouldn’t even know where to begin!"

"So, I have the job!?" Husk asked.

"Angel?" Lucifer looked towards his fiance.

"Husker's never let me down!"

"Ugh! Fine! We have to do something!"

"Then let’s get to it. Right now, just outside the walls of this house, There’s something in the hatchback of my Toyota Prius  
There’s a mysterious object of my design.   
It’s the perfect weapon to help you vanquish your ghost… imp…. Whatever.  
I call it the soul box." Husk told them.

"Wow! That sound fucking cool!" Angel smiled.

"Yes, wow. I’m going to suck your ghost into it and trap him there forever! To the Prius!" Husk headed towards his car.

"Oh! This is already the best exorcism I’ve ever been to!" Have you really ever been to one? Have you Angel?

"Oh lord." Lucifer muttered to himself.

"He came back for me? God! Why can’t he just leave me alone?!" Charlie shouted.

"I know right? What an asshole!" I agreed

"I’m not going with them. I’m bringing my mom back, no one can stop me."

*Hey, I'm on your side and I always will be. Scout’s honor! But that book’s got a lot of dangerous stuff in it. Let me point you to the right page." I shuffled through the pages

"I can’t open it. I had it open for a second but the Horvitzs slammed it shut before I could look at anything."

"What! Oh my Satan! Classic Horvitzs. You know what? They’re the real villains of this story."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Nothing!" I said quickly. "So your dad wants to suck me into this fancy box. But when he turns it on, what if your mom shows up instead?" I suggested.

"You can do that?"

"No…. But you can! Let’s get that book open, shall we? Shame eternal, Fate infernal. Yep! That’s the one!"

"Careful Lucifer, lift with your back!" Husk said.

"Quick! Up the stairs. Make them think that they are in control and then spring the trap!" I told Charlie.

"Classic bait and switch routine. I like it!" She smiled.

"The oldest trick in the book."

"Watch out ghosts!" Husk yelled.

"Husk? Is this thing safe?" Lucifer asked 

"I don’t know. Keep it away from your sensitive parts." Husk said like this was fucking normal.

"What?!" Lucifer looked horrified.

"Put it up on here." Husk pointed to a shelf.

"Husker, I noticed the soul box is both glowing and making a weird fucking noise. What does that mean?" Angel asked.

"I’m so glad you asked. That means it’s working! Now Lucifer, we’ve not discussed my fee. Normally I perform exorcisms pro bono but you made me come to Louisiana."

"Leave this house!" Charlie shouted.

"Charlie!!" Lucifer shouted, happy to his baby girl.

"See! I told you! She is possessed!" Angel shouted.

"The ghosts who live here, want you gone and so do I!" Charlie shouted again and I laughed.

"Husk! Do something!" Lucifer yelled at Husk.

"Okay! When I push this button…." Husk put a finger over a button on the soul box.

"Charlie! Wait!" Moxxie called.

"You were right! We wanna help you, sweetheart!" Millie called next.

"I don’t want your help! I’m bringing my mom back and none of you can fucking stop me!"

"What?!" Lucifer cried in surprise.

"She maternum, faith invernum. I summon thee in cere’s breath!" Charlie started.

"Husk!"

"There are no more buttons!" Husk yelled frantically.

"Charlie!" Lucifer called to his daughter, but she wasn't paying attention to him. She was on a mission.

"Mother dearest, heart held nearest. Arise and be released from death!"

"Millie." Moxxie looked towards his wife.

"Millie?" Charlie also looked as Millie began to scream.

"Oh my dead wizard god! What did you do?!" Moxxie shouted.

"I don’t know. I’m just trying to bring my mom back!" Charlie cried frantically as Millie continued to scream.

"Oh! Help her! Please!" Moxxie pleaded.

"I don’t know how! I don’t know what I did! I'm sorry!"

"What’s happening to her?!" Moxxie yelled at Blitzojuice.

"Exorcism. Death for the dead! Hey guys! Awesome seance! How about some good old fashioned chaos? You lose, in your faces. Because look who’s holding all of the aces!" Fuck I'm rhyming again!

"You did this!" Moxxie pointed his finger at the imp.

"No, actually, she did." I pointed to Charlie. "We could’ve been such a great team, but you wanted your mommy back? So this is what you get!"

"You lied to me!" Charlie shouted.

"Sorry kid. Classic bait and switch. Oldest trick in the book." I shrugged.

"What do you want from me?!"

"I’m tired of being alone! And life is the only way out. So if you wanna save Millie then I need you to marry me!"

"What?!" Everyone in the room screamed at once.

"It’s a green card thing." I shrugged again. It's really not that hard of a concept, guys. Really, it isn't.

"You’re batshit crazy! She’s not marrying--" Lucifer was cut off by another scream coming from Millie.

"Somebody do something! Please!" Moxxie yelled as he held his wife.

"Charlie, it’s great that you ate up my plan.  
The pooch has been screwed and the shits hit the fan. You wanted me gone." I told Charlie.

"Do I have a choice?" She asked.

"You wanted your mom…"

"It’s my fault she’s dying!"

"You messed with the wrong one now look what you’ve done!" I said and to Millie as she screamed again.

"Okay. Fine! I’ll do it. I’ll marry you."

I gasped. "There’s gonna be a good old fashioned wedding! With some dancing and un-deading!" I don't care if not a word. It works okay? "Where the cover band is crankin and the age gap is upsetting. When I finally say I do, I’ll be alive and born anew! And I’ll be boring just like you.  
Oh boy I want my wedding! It’s finally time for you two to go to the Netherworld. See ya fuckers!"

"The Netherworld? Wait!" Charlie called after me.

"Yes dear?" I smiled at her.

"You have to let me say goodbye, first."

"Make it snappy. I want cake! Being dead sucks, rent me a tux. You know what I want will soon commence. Blitzy's getting married!"

"Hey Blitzojuice. I’m going to the Netherworld!" Charlie shouted to me

"Wait what?!"

"Classic bait and switch! Oldest trick in the book, bitch!"

"Wait wait wait!"

"Charlie! No!" Lucifer called to his daughter.

"No! No! No! No no!" Moxxie was next to voice his opinion.

"Why does everyone keep leaving me?!?!? !Okay, new plan. You’re all going to die…….. today!" Everyone screamed. "Oh, not so fast mister soul box. We’re gonna play a game first!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter! If you have any requests for what you wanna see for the movie series, let me know!

Charlie had vanished into the netherworld, but she didn't realize that her father tagged along with her. "Charlie!"

"Dad?" She looked at him in shock.

"Are you alright? You're not hurt are you?"

"You followed me?"

"What is this place?" Lucifer asked.

"This is the Netherworld… Welcome, I am the once and forever, Miss Vaggie. I died with this sash. They can never take it away. Yes yes yes. Gracias. Where’s your handbook? Oh, you don’t have a handbook? Why don’t you have a handbook? Are you trying to skip the line?" Vaggie spoke kinda fully and quickly.

"The line for what?" Charlie asked.

"Did you even read the handbook? What else do you have to do? You are dead. Ah Jesus." Vaggie ran her hand down her face 

"Actually, we’re alive." Charlie stated.

"What?! Well that’s impossible because you--" she gasped. "A living girl in the world of the dead!"

"I’m her father." Lucifer stated.

"Ah, you two have to go back now. If Allie sees you."

"Allie?" Lucifer asked.

"We’re not going back. I’m here to find my mother." Charlie defended.

"Everybody here would go back if they could." She laughed. "I wish I was still alive." She sighed. "I was hot I went to parties, Y'know? I was driving Lamborghinis, sipping super-dry martinis in the tiniest bikinis on a yacht. But I was depressed, Oh so completely obsessed  
An unhappy beauty queen who dreamed to be Miss USA. I had such low self-esteem. I was a mess, really. So I gave it all up for the netherworld and I've been here forever. I would've stuck it out, knowing what life's about. Pain and joy and suffering. Failing but recovering.I'll tell you another thing... Everyone here is alone. So if you are breathing, you need to go home! If I knew then what I know now,  
I would have looked within and let love in somehow. If I only knew the truth back then. I wouldn't have had my little "accident" Ooh! New arrivals. They’re still alive! Don’t be blind. You left your whole life back there. See a shrink. Call a priest. Ask the recently deceased. Death is final and you cannot go back." She lectures 

"Don’t jump when the light is red." A guy who looked to be wearing some sort of suit and a parachute.

"Toasters should be used for bread." A want wearing only a bright yellow towel said.

"Never smoke cigars in bed." A business looking man spoke.

"Don’t cheat on the one you married, trust me." Another man wearing a fancy ass tuxedo said.

"Never whip a purebred horse." Another said.

"I exploded! Fireworks are fucking trippy."

"If I knew then, what I know now." Vaggie said again. "So before they lower the curtain, be certain to enjoy the show. That’s what I know."

"Do I really have to wear this, Blitzo? Why couldn't you have made a father?"

"Because! He hates women. So you have to be a girl!"

"But do I have to wear a dress? Women wear pants suits too ya know."

"Just say your lines! It's only a story!" He looked at me sternly. "Sorry, sir. It won't be long! I promise!"

"Fine." He stepped out to greet everyone.  
"All recently deceased individuals form a line." The man said.

"This doesn’t seem good." Lucifer said.

"My name is Alastor. It is my job to help ease your transition out of the overwhelming emotion of life And in to the blissful numbness and soothing solitude that awaits you. In the infinite abyss of nothingness that is the Netherworld.  
Also, no liquids! Drink it or throw it out!" Alastor said.

"My mom is dead. Is she in there?" Charlie stepped up to the man in a red dress.

"Everybody who’s ever died is in there. But dear, whatever it is you think you’re looking for, you’re not gonna find it." He spoke.

"I’ve come this far. I have to try!" Charlie pleaded with the man.

"Charlie! No!" Lucifer called out again.

"You! You’re still breathing aren’t you? Well, we need to take care of that. New meat! Take care of it!" He said.

"Dad, draw a door. Go home. I’m going to find mom!" Charlie told her dad.

"Charlie! No wait!" Lucifer called out again but it was pointless. Charlie had already took off running.

"We’ve got a runner! How entertaining!" Alastor said.

"Mom! Where are you? Mom! Mom! Mom!" Charlie shouted out everywhere. "What am I doing? Mamma I could use some help here, I’m tired of talking to myself. Back at home you don’t exist, so here I am in the abyss. Are you really in this place? It’s like the emptiness of space!" She continued searching. "I could search for all eternity and never see your face.Help me out, please. I’m lost without you! Standing, stuck on this impossible road. No idea which way to go. Whichever path I choose I lose, you know? And I don’t know which way’s home. You always saw life as a game but you left, it sucks to play!  
I’m beaten and bruised. Confused by rules that alter every day! Where to next? You left but I’m still standing. Spinning on this infinite road, terrified of letting you go." She continued searching, but she was starting to lose hope. "No light above and there’s no hope below and I don’t know which way is home! Mom I’ve got my heart in my hand. Speak to me and I’ll understand! One little word to know I’m not alone. And show me the way back home.  
Is there a way back home? The nothingness ahead of me. Is this the end you meant for me? Every living minute, there’s no home without you in it. I’m falling, quit stalling! Your daughter is calling your name! I’ve burned all my bridges! End game!"

"Charlie! Thank god! Come on. We have to go home!" Lucifer called as he finally found his daughter standing around.

"I don’t have a home." Charlie eyes threatened to spill tears.

"Don’t say that. Look I know, things have been difficult…"

"But we’re moving forward right? That’s your answer for everything. Move forward. Feel nothing. Well you got what you wanted dad. An infinite abyss of nothing!"

"You think this is what I want? I never said--" but he was cut off.

"You never say anything! She was my whole world and she left us. And you won’t even say her name!" She cried.

"Because it hurts too much! She was my world too, Charlie! That’s why I’ve been trying so hard to build a new one!"

"You have. But there’s no one in it. We left each other behind, and now we’re all alone."

"You’re right. God, you know, your mother knew this was going to happen. I mean not this. I don’t think anyone could’ve predicted this. But a few nights before she, before the end. Lilith took my hand and she said, “I know you wanna fix it. But we just have to hold on to each other and live through it.” I thought she was talking about us. But she was talking about us." He said he held his daughter's hand.

"I don’t wanna forget about her. I’m so scared I’m gonna forget her. Promise me, we can talk about her?" Charlie asked as she looked up to meet her dad's gaze.

"Anytime you want, my sweet apple."

"Let’s go home." Charlie smiled and wiped her tears.

"That imp with the stupid hair horn shit things will be waiting for us."

"I almost feel bad for him." 

"Why is that?" He asked her.

"He’s the loneliest guy I’ve ever met. And that’s how we’re gonna beat him. Trust me. It’s gonna get weird but it’ll work. Let’s draw the door." She smiled.

"Oh, I just have to go get the chalk. I hid it in case that dancing football player found me. He was so fast. So much poise!" Lucifer laughed.

"Mama I’m going home!" Charlie smiled.

"It’s life or death! It’s time for America’s favorite Game Show! Where the contestants suck dick and the host is very angry! Because his amazing plan to become alive just went up in smoke! I’m ready for some people to die! Let’s spin the wheel!"

"Please! Please don’t spin the wheel! I don’t wanna die. Please! I don't wanna die!" Husk shouted.

"Don’t worry, Husker! We’ll put you in the soul box!" Angel tried to comfort.

"Angel, don’t you get it! I’m a fraud! My name’s not really Husk!" He cried.

"What!?" Angel looked angry.

"It’s Gabe. I’m from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania!"

"Spin that fucking wheel!" Angel yelled to Blitzo.

"You heard the lady!"

"I'm a guy!"

"Really? Whatever! As my guru, Husker always said, this is taking too long!"

"I never said that!" Husk yelled.

"Hello, Blitzy!"

"Charlie?" I looked to the blonde that was now standing here.

"What’s wrong sugar tits? Did you think I wasn’t coming back?" She smirked.

"I mean you literally jumped into hell….to get away from me."

"I had a change of heart. I realized, I don’t wanna go through life alone, either." She smiled sweetly.

"And she wanted my blessing. Which does not come easy, mind you. Mr. Juice, I respect your persistence." Lucifer said.

"We have a plan. So just ollow my lead." Charlie stated once her father was finsihed talking.

"What’s going on?"

"Look at me! I’m crying because I’m so happy. Welcome to the family son!" Lucifer said as he wiped tears from his face 

"I’m… No. Not buying it! Time to die. Here we go, alright!"

"Hold it one damn minute!" Moxxie shouted. "I have something to say.  
Mister Blitzojuice, since we met you have pinched me and groped me and harassed me, sir. And I wanna tell you in front of all of these people… That it has worked! I want you Blitzijuice. And I want everyone here to know it!" 

"How dare you! Oh sorry." Millie said.

"Horvitz 2.0." Moxxie smiled.

"Horvitz 2.0! I mean…. I’m angry! Because I too am attracted to Mister Beetlejuice!" millie gagged a bit. "Moxxie!"

"Wait wait wait wait wait. Come on! This is all very believable! I mean, I’m a very sexual being and I do love an orgy...  
But, uh, I say this with love but you all don’t strike me as the orgying type."

Blitzojuice, Blitzijuice, don’t you get it. It’s not about that! It’s about love and life and choosing the people you want to share it with!" Charlie said with a giant smile. "Way back when I was just ten, simple and sweet. Everywhere, fellas would stare out on the street. And I felt used, kinda confused, I would refuse to look in their eyes. But now I really love creepy old guys!"

"Gum disease." Said Millie

"Skin like grilled ham and cheese!" Angels mouth watered at the thought.

"Saggy old asses too!" Charlie smiled.

"Can't forget about the saggy old asses!" Angel agreed.

"It’s cute and vile-"

"“Hey baby, smile!” Millie said.

"To each girl that passes!" Charlie finished and Angel whistled that sexy whistle thst people do.

"They make me blush! Now one of ‘em loves me, wants to be mine!" Charlie squealed. "Marrying my own creepy old guy!"

"I’m a creepy old guy!" I smiled happily.

"Girls may seem disgusted, but we’re actually just shy!" Millie said.

"I am older, but I’m glad I waited!" I smiled wider.

"Here comes the bride!" Charlie shouted.

"It's showtime!" I smiled.

"Have you guys seen “Lolita”? This is just like that, but fine!" Lucifer said.

"Wave your baby girl goodbye, dad. I am walking down the aisle. I wanna see a tear in every eye as I pass. I know that on the outside he’s disgusting. And even on the inside, he’s disgusting. But I know that this time, I'm makin' it right!" Charlie said. "With my family by my side."

"I finally found a wife! Now I won't be alone! Give it up for my underaged bride!" I said proudly.

"Let’s make him alive! I am marrying my creepy old guy!"

"I have chills!" I shivered.

"I do" charlie and I said together.

I’m alive! Are those birds? Wow, they sound so beautiful. And that makes me feel… oh my god, I actually feel! Happy! I’ve never felt this way before. It’s amazing. But what if it doesn’t last? Oh god, I’m so worried now! The happiness is completely gone! What the fuck! And that just makes me really sad. Just like, what… what if I’m never happy again? Oh my god.  
Just the thought of that makes me really angry. And I don’t know how to process my anger! Because as a society, we don’t teach men to process their anger...So maybe I’ll just try murder!

"Charlie!" Lucifer screamed as Charlie stabbed Blitzo.

"Alright, I see what you did there. Neat trick." I sorta laughed.

"You stabbed him!" Angel screamed. 

"With some really bad art. Nice!" Moxxie complimented.

"But I don’t understand, you brought him to life just so you could kill him?!" Angel was so confused. It's okay, angel.. I'm sure a lot are.

"Exactly!" Charlie smiled.

"But now he’ll be--" angel started but Charlie cut him off.

"Recently deceased. Moxxie, we need a door!"

"Chapter 1: Proceed directly to the Netherworld!" Moxxie said as he drew the door.

"Hey Blitzijuice!" Millie called.

Moxxie and Millie both said the last part together. "Leave this house!"

"Netherworld." I said.

"Blitzojuice!" A familiar voice called and Alastor came forward.

"Oh, fuck me." I groaned.

"I should’ve guessed you’d be mixed up in all of this! You’re such a screw up!"

"Ugh! Why you gotta be so hard on me mom!" I groaned again and everyones eyes widened.

"What?!" They all yelled in unison.

"This is so embarrassing!"

"I wore the embarrassment to my death!  
So desperate for somebody to love you that you act like a damn fool!" Alastor, who was still wearing a dress, waved his hands 

"Mom!" 

"You!" He pointed at me. "You go to the Netherworld, you don’t come back. That’s the rules!"

"Back off mom! Because of her, I got to live briefly. Very briefly. You know, can I just say something? Life is a goddamn rollercoaster. I don’t know how you people survive it. Just going all yip yip yip yip yip.  
I mean, all these feelings, one minute you’re on top of the world, then next minute, you feel like no one will ever love you.l! Thank you for being here. But it’s worth it. Every bit of it! And I’m not gonna let you take it from her!"

"Oh, Paul. That was beautiful. Maybe, I’ve been all wrong about you.And I’ll admit, I haven’t always been such a good mother.  
But that’s only because I wish you were never born!"

"You fooled me with love!"

"Now, you! You’re coming with me." Alastor said.

"You know what, I’ve already been to hell and back. And I’ve learned a lot along the way. And I think I’ll take a chance on life." Charlie said.

"She’s not going anywhere." Lucifer said standing in front of his daughter.

"Yeah, back off!" Millie said standing will Lucifer, Moxxie following her lead.

"Over our dead bodies!" He said.

"Yeah! I’m a part of this too! I don’t get it but I’m a part of it!" Angel said coming towards the rest.

"Well look at you! All ganging up against a mean lady from hell! Adorable! Fine! You wanna be together? You can die together!" He starts to use his voodoo magic shit.

"Hiya mom!" I turned to Charlie. "Come on girl, get out of here! Don’t you know you’re free now? Come on, you know you’re free. Check it out Charlie, now we both got dead moms! Well, I should probably get going. I’m gonna go on a little vision quest to find my dad." I gasped. "Sequel!" I did a little dance. "Moxxie, you’re boring. But you’re sexy. Own that! Millie, put her there. Now put her here" she pinched me. "Ow! I get it! Okay! It was worth a shot! Respect." I turned the feminine man. "Anthony."

"It's Angel, jackass" well fine bitch. I turned to Lucifer.

"We didn’t hang out much. Lucifer, you ripe old bastard! Never change."

"I already did. I changed a lot." He smiled.

"Well go fuck yourself then. And Charlie, I think I’ll miss you most of all." I hugged her.

"Oh, you smell fucking awful."

"And I know that now." I chuckled. "Well, bye! Yeah! Goodbye cruel world! To all of you who’ll never come this way again! Tell my story!" And with that said I left 

"This has been a strange day." Lucifer sighed. Glad it was finally over.

"Strange and unusual." Charlie smiled.

"Your crazy ass plan worked!" Millie hugged her.

"We make a good team. We did kill someone though. Wasn't expecting to do that ever."

"Yes, but we did it together." Lucifer hugged charlie.

"Moxxie? Millie? Would you mind if we all live in this house together?" Charlie asked hopefully.

"We’d love that! Sorry it’s kind of a mess." Moxxie apologized 

"Nothing we can’t fix, him." Millie smiled.

"Awe. Well I’m so happy for all of you. I guess... I’ll just go." 

"Angel?" Charlie spoke and walked towards Angel.

"Yeah! Did you say something, sweetheart?" He asked.

"I want you to stay. It’s just like you said. You don’t always get it, but you’re a part of it." Charlie smiled and held his hand.

" Fuck yes! I’m gonna say it….. This is the best day of my entire life!" He jumped up and down.

"Let’s clean up!" Charlie said as she put on a song from the CD player.

"Hey, your mother loved this song!" Lucifer smiled.

"Do you wanna dance?  
Shake shake shake senora. Shake your body line.  
Shake shake shake senora. Shake it all the time" charlie sang.

"Work work work senora. Work your body line.  
Work work work senora. Work it all the time." Everyone joined in.

"My girl’s name is senora" lucifer sang.

"I tell you friends I adore her." Mille sang out.

"And when she dances oh brother!" Moxxie's turn.

"She’s a hurricane in all kinds of weather!" Angel belted.

"Jump in the line. Rock your body in time!" Evryone sang out. Not on pitch, but that doesn't matter.

"Okay I believe you!" Charlie did a spin.

"Jump in the line. Rock your body in time!"

"Okay I believe you! Shake shake shake senora!" Charlie danced with lucifer.

"Shake your body line!"

"Work work work senora!" Charlie danced with Moxxie next.

"Work it all the time!"

"Mama, if you’re listening, doesn’t this just blow your mind?" Charlie smiled.

"Shake shake shake shake senora  
Shake shake shake shake senora!"

"I was on a mission. This is what I left behind…" 

"Shake shake shake shake senora  
Shake shake shake shake senora"

"I’ll miss you every day. Just seek a little strange and unusual, and you may find life beyond all comprehension. A mess of multiple dimensions. A little unconventional, I know. But mamma I’m home!" Charlie said with a smile and continued to sing and dance with her new family. 

And there you have it readers! That was the story about death! I hope you all enjoyed! Until next time my dear readers! This is your favorite imp signing off!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you again, FurbyDisaster53, for your help! Please check out their page for some more good reads!


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